It recently occurred to me that bits and pieces of myself have died slowly over the last decade or two, or 3 if I’m being transparent. I am only just becoming aware of the impact and loss; a huge loss. It’s sad and disorienting. Who the hell am I and what the hell happened all these years. What did my experiences do to me and how far have I veered from my authentic self? I can hardly remember ½ of it. Trauma repression? Big word these days, and we all have trauma, but I firmly believe that I also spent much of those years distracting myself from the moment. When we don’t live consciously in the present, it’s hard to recall what we were really feeling and doing. Whether I can’t recall exactly how I used to be or identify precise changes I guess it doesn’t matter that much. I can redefine myself daily for the rest of my life! See, if I get caught up and start going down that path about the past, I’ve learned that I am continuing the very same distraction cycle that will take me away from NOW.
Back to where I started. I have recently seen glimpses of those more carefree, authentic parts of me. I feel a little thrilled about this. I’m not sure what I can attribute to these small twinkling’s of inner self that are showing up here and there, but I gather it’s for a myriad of reasons. A lifelong goal of self-improvement and growth has seen me through 40 years of therapy as needed, several careers, leaving a toxic marriage and taking the time to build and foster a healthy, loving, supportive second marriage. Not writing a fairytale here, suffering is part of the human equation and nothing worthwhile is without challenges, painful processes, and real self-work. I want to continually explore and nourish more of the unique and vulnerable parts of me, while maintaining self-care and self-compassion. That’s some challenging shit…. My current therapist recently asked me what self-care have I implemented lately and subsequently responded “btw, getting your nails done, a massage, etc. is NOT self-care” What??? Sure, it’s great and we feel terrific when taking care of our physical self but if you are emotionally beating yourself up over decisions, recent or past events you CANNOT change then, really the nails and blowout don’t mean crap.
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